For Thorin
by Doing my best
Summary: "Of the twelve companions of Thorin, ten remained. Fili and Kili had fallen defending him with shield and body" J.R.R. Tolkien 'You keep fighting. There is no past. There is no future. There's just here and now. Just the chaos of the battle...' The book(ish) version of Battle of Five Armies. Fili's POV. Character death, so T. Please R&R


**The uni isn't exactly helpful when you want ro do anything that isn't studying, but who cares, when inspiration strikes, you go with it. I think I wasn't the only one who preferred the book version of our heroes' deaths. I mean, protecting Thorin at any cost and everything, not some non-existant elves. (Don't get me wrong, I DO like the movies. But I imagines it otherwise). I hope you'll like it. And in advance - I'm sorry.**  
 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Probably never will.**  
 **And once again sorry for all the mistakes, still learning English! Punctuation is dark magic.**

You keep fighting.

There is no past. There is no future. There's just here and now. Just a vast field, full of weapons' clattering and cries of the wounded. Just the chaos of dozens of bodies whirling in mortal combat. Just the smell of blood and fear. Nothing more.

You've never imagined that a real battle would be so terrifying. It's not the first time you hold your sword in your hand and fight for your life, but it's the first time you cannot see the end of striving crowd; when every time you turn around you don't know if you'll face an enemy or a friend; when you have no idea for how long the fight will last. Hours? Maybe days?... You don't know how much time has passed. Your muscles scream from exhaustion every time you raise your arms, but the adrenaline silences them down, giving you strength for another move, another parry that saves your life. For another strike that end's someone else's.

You hear something behind you and you turn around swiftly, praying for the movement behind your back not to be a sword aimed in your head. And your prayer is heard – there's no sword closing to your body. But when you look further your heart clenches with fear, because among the fighting men you see your uncle. You uncle whom you have admired since you were a little kid for his wisdom, decisiveness and hidden beneath them kindness. The brother of your mother and rightful ruler of your people, who was for you the closest thing to a father you had lost so long ago. A man you love with all your heart. The heart that now stops beating, when you see him fall down, stricken by some orc.

You don't hesitate. You run towards him, passing by fighting couples and impaling the enemies in your way. But you can see as the figure that stands above your uncle rises their blade to finish their job and you know you won't make it in time, that you'll have to watch your uncle and king die by hands of some filthy orc.

And then his opponent wavers and collapses, and you see an arrow sticking out of his back. You know this fletching, so you raise your gaze and smile gratefully to the archer, who answers with a self-satisfied smirk. You think that maybe more dwarves should take an example from your younger brother, who just saved their king's life, and start using bows instead of sticking stubbornly to axes.

You reach Thorin at the same time. You look at each other briefly and you know that he is scanning your body for injuries, just as you are. You've got a few scratches, but it's nothing serious. You're glad your little brother is in better shape than you - you hate when he gets hurt. If it was up to you, you wouldn't let him participate in the battle, but you know that even locking him up wouldn't keep him from fighting side by side with you and your uncle. You move your gaze back to your uncle, who is lying on the ground, your brother already kneeling by his side. You don't like how much the wound on his side is bleeding and how absent is his stare.

'Thorin?', you ask and he turns his head to you. His brow is furrowed like he's not sure where he is and what is happening. 'Don't worry, we're gonna get you out of here.'

You know that between the rocks just behind you there's a passage that leads closer to the Mountain. But then you are wondering how to convince your brother to take him to safety and look after him, so they would both be safe, he looks up at you and this one glance tells you he knows exactly what you're planning and he has no intention of leaving you. You've always understood each other so well some laughed you could read your minds. Sometimes it's a disadvantage.

Suddenly you see Dwalin coming up to you, but before you open your mouth Kili is already handing Thorin over to him, hastily explaining your plan. Your brother has always been smart, you have to admit it. The dwarven warrior says something about being careful as a goodbye and then hurries to get the king to safety. When you watch him disappear in between the rocks, almost dragging Thorin with him, Kili stands up and positions himself by your side, grinning widely. You raise your eyebrow questioningly and he shrugs, knowing exactly what you mean.

'I couldn't leave you here alone', he says knowing he won. But soon the smile disappears from his face, so you turn to check what's going on and freeze upon seeing a wave of orcs and goblins moving towards you. You look at him once more with pleading eyes, begging him to leave you here, to get somewhere safe, but he just shakes his head without looking away from the enemies. He raises his bow, placing the arrow on the chord and whispers:

'For Thorin.'

And you know he means more than just your uncle. That you're fighting not just to protect your kin, not just your king, but for the future of your people. And for this beautiful vision, you are both ready to risk your life.

'For Thorin', you confirm and adjust the grip on your swords, watching your brother release an arrow and place the next one as one of the closing orcs falls down to the ground, dead. In just a few seconds the enemy reaches you and once again all you know is the sound of blades clashing. The only difference is that now you're not afraid when you turn around, because you know that Kili is watching your back.

You don't know how long the chaos of this encounter lasts. You're doing everything you can to not let a single orc or goblin make it through you and go down the path to your injured uncle and Dwalin, who is doing his best to save his life. Someone's blade catches your arm, another one cuts your thigh. You don't think about it, you keep fighting. Once again, all that exists is here and now. You focus on a single enemy, then on the next one. You glance towards Kili all the time; you throw some of your knives a couple of times to stop an enemy from hurting him. And you feel proud for protecting him, just as you have all your life. And he does the same, killing your opponents with his arrows, and then, when they run out, using his blades. And you feel proud seeing how well he is doing on the battlefield, how brave, fierce and focused he is. That kind of pride and protectiveness must come along with being an older sibling, you suspect, for you would give anything for him.

And then you watch the number of orcs around you decrease until there are just a few left. And you let yourself hope that you'll come out of this unharmed.

That's a mistake.

For in the next moment, just as you turn to Kili to check if he has finished all of his enemies as you did, you hear a strange, familiar buzzing. Before you have a chance to open your mouth to warn him, the rain of black arrows falls down from the sky. You pray for them not to reach your brother, you don't care about yourself. But this time your prayer is not heard. And all you can do is watch.

The time almost stops.

You stand with your side and partly back turned towards the direction from which the arrows come. You can feel two of them impale themselves deep into your flesh, cutting through skin and tearing muscles of your arm apart. The impact throws you off-balance, but you don't feel the pain. Your eyes are glued to a raven-haired figure of your little brother who has just killed one of the orcs and stands there, unprotected from the rain of arrows. And half a second after the first one reaches you, another impales his chest.

The time stops. And then moves again.

Before you can make a step or call for him, more arrows are flying. You wish to be able to shield him with your own body, but you're too far. All you can do is watch hopelessly as two more reach his shoulder and stomach. You wait for the impact and pain of more arrows, but as if out of spite, when you want to take those which hit him for yourself, not a one finds you. Finally, you manage to cry his name and you hear a hundred emotions in your voice.

The loudest one is a terror.

Terror of what something happened to Kili.

At the sound of your voice, he turns to face you and you move to pass these couple of meters between him and you, stumbling and falling down. And you see him try to go towards you as well, make a step and then fall to his knees and collapse on the ground like a puppet without strings.  
And suddenly the past exists again. You remember when many years ago you watched your little brother make his first steps, going towards you with a wide smile in his chubby face.

You've never thought you'd see him make his last one.

Your injured leg doesn't cooperate but you reach him nonetheless. You lean above him and cup his face in your hands, brushing his long hair from his forehead. His terrified dark eyes are full of pain when they find yours and you force yourself to appear confident and calm.

'It's all right, Kili, I'm here, I've got you', you whisper, careful for your voice not to waver, not to betray your feelings. Dozens of years of hiding your anxieties from him made you a skillful actor.

'Fee?', you hear his uncertain voice and you feel your heart breaking. Once again you hear a toddler who had scraped his knee and came to his older brother seeking consolation. You'd give everything for this to be just a scraped knee.

'Shhh, Kili, I've got you. You'll see, it's going to be fine', you say fighting your emotions because you know you cannot receive such injuries and survive. And he knows that too despite his young age. Your brother isn't stupid, so he just tries to smile to show you he sees through your empty words.  
'It's all right, Fee', he assures you and you don't know if you want to laugh or cry, because your little brother is dying in your arms and yet he still tries to comfort you. After a short while, his smile fades and you can see a glint of fear in his eyes. 'Thorin is safe, isn't he?', he whispers, his strength leaving him fast.

'Of course. Dwalin surely took good care of him and we guarded the path, right?', you say trying not to think that you don't guard it anymore, that the orcs have already rushed to the Mountain. For sure Dwalin has taken Thorin someplace safe. He must have. This calms Kili a bit and he shuts his eyelids. You're about to shake him, terrified, but the dark-haired dwarf opens them again and looks straight into your eyes.

'Stay?', he asks and you want to cry. You've heard him say it so many times before: when he sat cuddled into you after nightmares woke him up; when he laid in bed with high fever, your mother worried whether he will pull through; when you sat by the fire, shoulders touching, and he claimed he's not yet tired enough to go to sleep. So many years and he still hasn't learned that there's no need to ask, because you would never leave him. So, you just nod wordlessly.

You try not to think that he's the one leaving you.

You watch him squeeze his eyes from pain, his breath quickening. You feel like you share his wounds and his pain. All you can do is to hold him, whispering empty reassurances into his ear, trying to comfort him. There's nothing more you can do. And you hate yourself for that.  
Kili opens his eyes again and they are getting hazier and hazier. You call him softly and he turns his gaze back to you. He frowns slightly, like if he was concerned.

'Don't worry, Fee', he whispers quietly. 'I'm... fine...' You hear him choke a bit and only when you squeeze your eyes in helplessness, you can feel tears flowing down your cheeks. It turns out you're not such a skilled actor you thought you were. You wanted to be strong for him and now he is comforting you. You pull yourself together and look at him again, ignoring tears that blur your vision and trying to smile reassuringly. He smiles to you as well and you can feel his body relax when he stops to fight the inevitable.

'I love you, brother', he tells you in a clear tone, looking deep into your eyes. And in his eyes, you can see that for him as well the past exists again, that he sees all your adventures, all the journeys, training, and bonfire talks. The thought that he is calm and happy brings you some relief. You try not to think that for him, the future doesn't exist anymore.

'I love you too, Kee', you whisper into his ear, cupping his face and you see him smile almost imperceptibly when he looks into your eyes for the last time and then turns his gaze to the skies.

And then, with his lips still curved upwards, your baby brother stops breathing.

And a part of you dies with him.

You've been living without him for the first five years of your life and you thank Mahal you almost don't remember that time. What kind of life it must have been without him by your side? Maybe then, when you hadn't known what it's like to have him with you, you didn't know this terrible pain of separation you're feeling now?

So, you do the only thing you are able to. You roar with rage and grabbing your sword which you dropped to hold your little brother, you throw yourself upon the nearest goblin. He seems surprised, he must have thought you are dead. He wasn't entirely wrong.

Your wounds slow you down, but the aching in your heart gives you strength. Except for the fight here is nothing left, so you keep fighting. You kill one opponent after another and they step back, terrified by the despairing gleam in your eyes.

And then a couple moments later you feel a sharp pain between your shoulder blades, you're not really surprised. After all, no one is watching your back anymore.

You fall down, but you manage to crawl to your brother with your fading strength. You know your place is by his side, it's always been there. For a moment your thoughts float towards your uncle, of how heartbroken he'll be at the news he has lost both of his nephews. You hope his friends will help him deal with the loss. Your people need a king and he will be a great one.

And when you feel the life leaving you, you muse that maybe it's better this way. You've been living without him for five years, but you couldn't have lived for a single day more. Just like him you raise your eyes to the sky and see first snowflakes falling down slowly and gently. You feel peace and squeezing slightly Kili's hand you think that death isn't so horrible. And when you feel it close its grip around you, you wait for it to come without fear.

And then you see the gate and you smile ever so slightly. And with your last breath you whisper:

'Well, I couldn't leave you here alone, baby brother.'


End file.
